Just when I had started thinking of my husband as a jerk. This long bitter cold winter (and it’s still snowing as I write this) has iced over our hearts as well as the ranch it seems. My husband and I have gotten used to being cold to each other and neglecting this marriage that has always required an extraordinary amount of energy and work anyway. Sometimes it seems too much to ask to tend the marital fires. I’m busy keeping the fires going in the house.
Its all so numbing and exhausting sometimes. Like this unholy winter for example. Right this minute the barn has been flooded umpteen times, we’ve been literally snowed in several times, needing to be rescued by the neighbors who own tractors with snow plows and chains for their tires. And we have been sicker than two mangy half dead dogs. My list of complaints is much longer but I’ll spare you.
To say I’ve been in a mood is an understatement and even my kids have given me lectures for negativity. Shameful I know. I’m owning it. I’m praying for an end to this bitter winter outside my window and most importantly for the one in my heart.
God always answers and you know sometimes He gives me a correction in the most creative way. I like to think He is changing the direction of my thoughts, pointing my stubborn face in a different direction than the one I’ve set it to more than He’s scourging me.
My husband is a paramedic/firefighter/officer for a department 200 miles away. He has a long commute and is gone often. Lately even when he’s home he’s not present if you know what I mean. Hazards of the job and life I guess. Also a reallllly long marriage. This morning he left and I woke up because he kissed my ear goodbye. I’m sure that’s not where he intended his sleepy lips to land at 4:30 am but they did. It woke me up and I usually kiss him back and tell him I love him and pray for him awhile before I fall asleep again. This morning I didn’t. That’s becoming a habit and not just because I’m so sick I feel like I could use a hospital bed. So is he so that’s no excuse. It was mostly because I’ve given up the effort at this whole staying happily married thing. Dumb girl.
Just so you know, I did pray for him still.
I had a doctor appointment this morning and then texted him afterward. We thought pneumonia but it wasn’t and I wanted to let him know. He texted back to let me know he had the kind of call today he always hoped wouldn’t happen. There was a woman in labor with a very premature baby. Like somewhere around 25 weeks maybe. Not sure. Anyway the woman claimed she didn’t even know she was pregnant so hadn’t any prenatal care. My husband delivered that baby but it wasn’t breathing. They bagged him and thankfully his little heart began to beat so they were able to transport him to a major hospital alive. The mother didn’t want to even see this child and wouldn’t feed him or acknowledge him.
Now, you have to know something about my husband and I. We are suckers for newborn babies. We adore newborns. Crazy for them. Our babies brought us and kept us together along with Supernatural Holy glue from God Himself. We wouldn’t have made it otherwise.
As he texted me details I replied back hastily that he should have asked the mother if she wanted to adopt the baby out…(well she didn’t want him, right?!) then I realized it was a stupid thing to say and she was probably in shock anyway.
And then my point to this story: he replied he had let her mother and the hospital staff know that if she didn’t want that baby he did. We did. Drug effected and possibly handicapped from being so premature and all.
And that girls, is why I love that man and don’t deserve him. (for the record he doesn’t deserve me either)
My husband isn’t an average annoying guy. He’s a super hero on shift days. He saves lives when he’s given the chance and ability.
God showed me that in my depressed self-centered little world, I had lately forgotten that my husband is God’s man. Strategically placed.
Afterall, as sick as he is he still drove 200 miles for a 24 hour shift and when a real life drama unfolded he was there with prayers, pounding heaven for that baby’s life. He was also there with skills and abilities that the Lord allowed him to gain to be just at the right place and the right time. Even though it didn’t feel right. Because he was so sick and would have rather been home in bed.
Note to self: Don’t rely on your feelings. Feelings come and go.
Additional note to self: Don’t act on your feelings. Feelings come and go and change with blood sugar levels, hormones, point of view and lack of sleep.
Or long dreary winters and taking each other for granted.