country living · farm and ranch · flocks and herds · writer, homemaking, homeschooling, farm, ranch, christian, Bible, lifestyle

So Much…

I used to think I didn’t have enough time or money to do everything I wanted to do. Now I just don’t have the energy. I used to dream of having horses and living in the country. Now I do and I wish I had the energy to ride my horses more. Much more. I wish I had a green thumb and grew an amazing garden every year that fed us and overflowed to friends and neighbors and maybe even the local food bank. I suck at gardening. Pulling weeds just isn’t that easy. Those things are like dirty laundry, whenever you turn away they multiply.

I’d like hurry up and write a novel. But I decided first I’d need to buy Scrivener and learn to use it so I could do it right. Learning Scrivener is exhausting.

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And I’d love to learn to make washed rind, and bloomy rind cheeses from the milk of my own herds and flocks. But I’m too tired from trimming their feet and taking care of their babies and updating their records.  I’d like to take up felting. I don’t sew or do any other kind of needle crafts but felting- that looks like something I could do. I perused Etsy shops recently to find out what kind of things I needed to be equipped to take up this great new hobby. That was exhausting. By the time I figured out what all the little tools were for, and which ones I might really need to start up, I felt like taking a nap. I’ll get back to that another time. I’m sure. Much like learning Hebrew, which I started and stayed with for a year, but then life got busy…

I think maybe I love the idea of learning new things more than actually learning them. Researching a new project of hobby gives me fresh energy and I get so excited, but then after the fun part is over and I should actually do something with all of the books and or equipment I have purchased I just kind of wilt.

I’d like to have the energy of your little Sugar Gliders, but I’m more like a drowsy cat in the window seat. If I had a cat there, which I don’t because…well, Sugar Gliders.

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I’m like a hamster on a wheel the last few years. I ran on crazy to get me through the years when I was raising a bunch of my kids, homeschooling them, and doing foster care for infants on top of that. Drug affected infants don’t sleep and usually have digestive disorders and reflux. So…I didn’t sleep much for a few years. And trying to manage all of that was insane. I’m glad we did it, but I’m still not sure how I survived- or if I did! I got so used to survival mode I might still be stuck there. I feel a little shell-shocked. This past summer I read quite a bit again, and I sunbathed as much as possible. I am a freckled mess now, but I definitely am able to think more clearly. Maybe I’ll lose that 30 pounds I gained and get back on my horse by next year- really and metaphorically.

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There’s so much I want to do. It makes me tired just thinking about it. So for now I’ll curl up by the fire and enjoy lots of good books and my favorites on Netflix, Amazon Prime, and  the PBS app. I love my iPad.

🙂

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3 thoughts on “So Much…

  1. I hear ya. I literally just wrote a part on this very subject. It brought more texts and messages than any other post I’ve written in eight years. I decided in September that I’m taking a twelve month sabbatical. Like, I am D-O-N-E, DONE. I was into two direct sales companies, homeschooling, working for my husband, keeping up the farm and house and animals and, and, and, to infinity. And doing NONE of those well. If I’m tired, I am not really of any help and I’m horribly cranky. No one needs that. I completely dropped out of all external activities in September and we are reducing animals at the farm. I’m one of those people who want to do it all! After reading a lot on simplicity, I came to the conclusion that I needed to make goals and also focus on the things that are most important to me. I missed being fun. I missed sewing and gardening and canning. I was missing out on family time.

    Anyway, I am now being very conscious in my choices. If they don’t align with my goals, they are off the table.

    Hope you get back on your horse. Literally and metaphorically! 😊

    P.S. my post is called Woman A vs. Woman B if you’d like to read it!

    Like

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